Lately

I've been meaning to write on here for awhile now! It's no surprise that other things got in the way of me sitting down and typing out a few thoughts. Almost every night I have plenty on my mind, especially since I'm up so often in the wee hours of the mornings these days! Gideon has been waking frequently at night for months now and I'm holding on to hope that one day I will get more than a 3-4 hour stretch of sleep at a time. You'd think I had  newborn again?! Nope, a 9 1/2 month old sweet little boy who knows when he's got a good thing going for him.

But before I go off about all that even more I'd like to mention some things I've been thankful for lately, something I'm trying to do daily---to cultivate a heart of gratitude and to have the eyes that seek out the everyday blessings. I know this is nothing new to many and their spiritual walk but to actually focus on this each day is bringing me such joy and testing!

So, onto some great memories from this past day, week, and month...

1) The quiet moments of rocking Gideon to sleep. I just LOVE the moments where I'm sitting in our glider chair and swaying Gideon back and forth, back and forth. I love to see his face at rest, his limbs slowly becoming limp, and scanning his precious little body with my eyes. There is so much love and adoration that a parent has for their child.

2) Singing and holding hands with my home community for the last time. The home community that I've been a part of for the last 3+ years is finally splitting. For those that know about it you know it's a beautiful act of God and to Him have all the glory in it! Our last night together we stood around in a circle, held hands, and sang a few songs together, no instruments except our voices. It was very memorable for me to see everyone that had walked into that home community and being changed by the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ. Truly an amazing sight--all of it.

3) My husband surprising me with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I've ever seen, just to show his appreciation. He actually also got me a card and an air freshener(which I had been wanting) in my favorite scent of perfume(Tahitian Gardenia by Pacifica). I remember him coming home from work and having my jaw drop from his thoughtfulness. The flowers are still holding up and I thank God every time I see them for a man that goes out of his way to show me that I am special to him. 

4) Friends that encourage me. There was a time in my life that I thought certain friendships were expendable and I am so very glad to say I have changed and matured in this! I have been so blessed with an incredible support system my entire life but lately I feel like I am just being doused with undeserving grace. The acceptance and encouragement provided by these friends speaks deeply to my heart.

5) Answered prayers. Sometimes I am too fixated on what I want the answer to be rather than what God wants from me in the situation, including the days that seem mundane. Lately I've been surrendering myself more over to Him and though it's not always easy to do, I fully know He always honors my attempts. What a merciful and gracious God we serve!

Well that's about it for now. If you're reading this and desire to share, what are some big or small things you have been thankful for lately? :)

Insecurity

I am glad I am at least mature and humble enough to admit one of my struggles is with insecurity. I hate that I am all to familiar with it but it is my reality. I know there are plenty of valid reasons why I am someone who needs extra reassurance and encouragement(definitely had an unhealthy upbringing!) but sometimes I wonder if feeling insecure is something I bring upon myself and/or a way I am spiritually attacked. I'm trying to spend more time understanding why it's a main struggle of mine and how to be proactive when I feel prone to believing the lies the pop up from time to time.

Just a few years ago I recognized the very negative and critical thought patterns I was having and how I was basically telling myself things like, "you're not good enough to do that...nobody really cares if you are there or not...everyone thinks you are a joke." Pretty cruel stuff, huh? To even type those things out makes me sad. I imagine saying those things out loud to a loved one and seeing their reaction. They would be so hurt! So why in the world would I treat myself this way?

Thankfully, with the help of God's discernment, a loving husband, faithful friends, and a gifted counselor, I was able to see that the author of those thoughts was not God. If I were to love my neighbor the way I had been "loving" myself, that would be quite an ugly sight.

I have spent all my life trying to be better at accepting and embracing who God has called me to be while offering grace instead of harsh judgement at every one of my mistakes and failures. It seems as though it's easy for me to forget I am a full fledged sinner on a daily basis. Let's just say I could easily write a long blog post about pride as well. ;)

Anyway, tonight I am thinking about how glad I am that my security is found in Christ and not of this world. I am a poor example of living that out in many ways but I am trying to change with God's help. I don't want to be preoccupied with what others think of me, what possessions I want, or how I can be so easily satisfied with earthly treasures.

This song, "Empty Me" by Jeremy Camp, is one of my favorites and tonight I read the main verses of the song and pray for His refining work to be done in me; to rid me of the things that are of myself and not of Him...

Holy Fire burn away, 
My desire for anything 
That is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me.  
Empty me, 
Empty me, yeah, 
Fill, won’t you fill me, 
With you, with you, yeah. 

Our First Home

Today we signed the papers on our new--and very first--home. It's a bit surreal at times to think about us owning a home. I remember telling Cale just over a year ago that it would be a dream for us to buy a house. It seemed like such a huge amount of money and commitment and those are both things I've never seemed to have a lot of until just recently.

Thankfully, the larger sums of money is really due to the combination of  wise financial decisions and the generosity of friends and family. As for the commitment part, I've just learned the value and reward of following through and keeping my word. I have created some disasters in my life, that's for sure, by being irresponsible.

Tonight I am grateful for grace. God's grace to be specific. I was just thinking how I do not deserve this beautiful home and the many other things He has given me---especially forgiveness. I was thinking how I've made some really really foolish decisions in life and yet He still chooses to bless me and lavish His love upon me, time and time again. And might I add that doesn't mean I haven't suffered and paid the consequences for a lot of those mistakes!

I guess I don't ever want to become tired of being grateful for my present circumstances. Or having a contrite heart at the same time.I want to always remember that I am broken. That way God can always be the one to continue to piece me back together.And even in the times where I am happy and feeling so thankful for all wonderful things going on, I still want to remember that it is really only by His grace that I can call myself blessed.

Thank you Jesus for the gift of new life!

Bittersweet

Tonight was our last night of us hosting home community at this house off Beech St. I can barely believe almost 9 months have gone by since we first moved in here. I can remember that day fairly well, actually. It was not a relaxing one that's for sure! You can ask my home community. Tey were there supporting us, helping us pack and load and unload our stuff. But just imagine a sentimental 6 month pregnant woman moving out of her brand new first apartment that she shared with her husband into a 100 year old, creaky, musty unfinished house that they were to occupy for a short 9 months. Oh the stress, discouragement and tears that came with that move. :)

So much has changed since then. Gideon was born and my whole life has shifted and I am on new journey with Cale. I was just thinking today what did I used to do with my time?! Now it's a matter of planning out when and how I can do something as simple prep dinner or respond back to my emails. As a new mom, I couldn't understand how other mothers out there got things fully done with an infant! Thankfully I have found some freedom in being confident that Gideon and I's schedule is one that benefits both of us and consequently, my husband as well.

Well, back to my original reason for writing tonight. I am sitting here, quite tired but thinking plenty about how blessed I am. After everyone from home community left and the house was quiet and still, I began to put a few items back in there place but then stopped myself. I knew Cale was waiting for Gideon and I to come upstairs but I also knew that this would be the last time I'd see this "mess" in this house--that it would be the last time this place probably showed signs of love, hospitality, community...Jesus.

With a smile on my face I looked around the room and saw the plastic cup that the Buckman baby boys had both drooled on and dropped endlessly onto the floor throughout the night, growing and exploring the world around them. Then I noticed the hand me down baby clothes given to us by a thoughtful mother. Then the stack of dirty cloth napkins piled high by the sink to make our clean up that much easier. Then the large amounts of leftover food brought by eager friends wanting to provide and share a meal together.

It's bittersweet to know we are moving on from this place that God provided for us. A place that was bigger and better than anything we had been praying for in our home search. Truly, He can do immeasurably MORE than we can ask or imagine. I want to say I can imagine what He will do next in this new chapter of our lives. But I can't. And that's a very good thing. :)

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Humbled

Just wanting to type out a few things tonight, feeling some deep things. Maybe I'll be able to get them out clearly on here but I doubt it. ;)

I don't know what it is about putting Gideon to bed that makes me feel so strongly. I'm a feeler of a person anyway but almost every night, excluding the ones where I'm dead tired and only thinking about sleep, I am in awe of how amazing of a gift this child is to my life. I truly don't have the words. I just don't. I try to think of them but instead my eyes well up with tears.

To watch my own baby sleep captivates me. I must have forgotten that there are some things in this world that I would easily consider captivating and seeing Gideon sleep is one of them. Sometimes I wonder if God enjoys watching His children sleep for the same reasons.

Tonight my heart aches on how much I love this sweet son of mine.This quote sums up what I'm really trying to say quite nicely...

"Once you become a parent...you automatically carry around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood of having your heart broken. And it’s a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest. We can choose to be afraid or we can choose to live. And I choose to live. Because an increased liklihood of having your heart broken also carries with it an increased likelihood of finding yourself the happiest you’ve ever been in life." -Kelle Hampton

"Precious"

Tonight as I lay Gideon to sleep the word precious came to mind. Actually I think of that word often when I watch him sleep. I'm sure most, if not all, parents can relate. :) Anyway I looked up the meaning and here's Merriam Webster definition: "of great value or high price; highly esteemed or cherished."

Though I'm not sure exactly why, I remember years ago I started to despise the word. I'm guessing it was because of people sounding extremely cheesy, annoying, or even creepy when using it. Like when Gollum in the Lord of the Rings continuously said, "my precious" whenever cradling the ring.

Okay, onto something less creepy...

I remember watching Gideon sleep the day he was born. I was in complete awe of the beautiful little human being before my eyes and had few words to say except some quiet thank yous over and over to our Maker. I don't know about you but watching a baby sleep, especially one that is your own, does things to the heart that few others can do.

All in all, I'm happy to say Gideon has redeemed the word precious in my mind. :)